Fresh Take: Steampunk Portal

"The Gentlemanly Escort Cube"

Steampunk Portal by Lisa Rye

"The patented Gentlemanly Escort Cube is a must for all unchaperoned Victorian ladies finding themselves in indelicate situations that might upset their fragile constitutions.

The Cube excels particularly in warding off the untoward advances of stray turrets and politely holding down buttons for her as she proceeds along her way.

The Aperture Institute of Natural Philosophy reminds you that the Cube does not initiate conversation, and certainly not if you have not yet been formally introduced."

"Steampunk Portal"

"I was sitting around at Swancon, chatting with friends, and the idea of Steampunk Portal came up. ...and we got thinking, how on earth would you make portals in the early industrial era? Oh crap, you'd have to *dig* them, wouldn't you? With your steam-powered pick.

And well, Portal, being made by Valve, available on Steam? It just kind of needed to be done."

"Wheatley Dumbwaiter Service"

"Fact Core: "Steam locomotives generate around 6,000 horsepower, or 6 elephant power. Only steam powered servants should travel at 60 mph, as at these speeds the human brain will explode."

Wheatley: "Now, now I don't want to panic anyone but there might be a slight problem coming up with the track ahead being a little bit not there. ...it's okay, it's okay, I've got a plan!"

Adventure Core: "Well, why don't ya just leave it to me, Sir Richard Barnibus Linconsford the 4th! Why, there was this one time when I was adventuring through darkest Africa, my trusty pistol in one hand and a tiger on the other..."

Space Core: "Bored of trains now. Wanna ride a horse. Wanna ride a horse wanna ride a horse.""

"Steampunk Portal: The Gentry Turret"

"The Aperture Institute of Natural Philosophy presents its NEW PRODUCT of ASTOUNDING significance.

Utilising the latest in house defence mechanisms, the patented 'GENTRY TURRET' dispatches unwanted house guests with the height of efficacy and manners. Its superior workmanship conceals 18 miniature pistols within a splendid mahogany adorned bronze shell, designed to sit magnificently alongside your own excellent furnishings.

Delight your fellow gentlemen and gentlewomen with the GENTRY TURRET's operatic mode, producing REAL MUSIC, as if an orchestra were performing in your sitting room! The GENTRY TURRET is also perfect for child-minding, teaching children the many virtues of sitting perfectly still and making absolutely no noise.

With true Victorian values, the GENTRY TURRET is fitted with a STATE OF THE ART miniature gram-a-phone, dispensing appropriate warnings and pleasantries, including...

“Greetings on this fine day”
“I have found your presence to be disagreeable”
“Your untowards advances have been recognised”
“How fortuitous that you have made your visage apparent”
“Please allow me to present you with these bullets”
“May I inquire as to your health?”

The GENTRY TURRET is available in a variety of colours, including arsenic green and lead white, and comes with with a FREE bonnet and leg cover, to avoid the impropriety of showing its ankles. Mail-order yours today!"